Joker Interview Tape Transcript

Tape 1

 * Joker: Hello! Anyone in there? No sense of humor. Oh, the strong and silent type, eh? Think you're safe behind that mask? Give me 20 minutes and a can opener and I'll have you whimpering like a schoolgirl. You might like it.
 * Hugo Strange: That's enough, patient. Guard, leave us.
 * TYGER Guard: Yes, sir.
 * Hugo Strange: Good afternoon. My name is Professor Hugo Strange. And you are?
 * Joker: Two-Face. Catwoman. Batman.
 * Hugo Strange: We can play these games as long as you like.
 * Joker: Great. I love games.
 * Hugo Strange: Not in my facility you won't. I am offering you this opportunity to make a deal. I am fully aware of your... condition. The last thing you have is time. But I can make your final days more comfortable.
 * Joker: And in return I'd be giving you...?
 * Hugo Strange: I wish to study you. I need to know why you are the way you are.
 * Joker: I don't have long, doc. You're going to need more than some psycho mumbo jumbo to get to the bottom of what's wrong with me.
 * Hugo Strange: Oh, I have more than that. Much more. So, do we have a deal?

Tape 2

 * Hugo Strange: How are you feeling today?
 * Joker: You promised me another doctor, Strange.
 * Hugo Strange: Maybe you shouldn't have killed the one I sent last week. What made you do it?
 * Joker: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly. Besides, it was worth it to see the look on her face. Hey, you know what, I think I've got a piece of it here in my pocket.
 * Hugo Strange: You are trying my patience. That was the third doctor you've killed.
 * Joker: Keep on sendin' 'em, doc. I'm trying to break my record.
 * Hugo Strange: I think it is time for you to do something for me.
 * Joker: Name it, doc.
 * Hugo Strange: Tell me how you came to be. Explain what made you what you are today, how you came to be sitting across the table from me, dying.
 * Joker: Is that all? I guess you can say I once had a very bad day.
 * Hugo Strange: Really? Go on.
 * Joker: It was a Thursday night. Things had been getting worse. I was 3 days from the bank foreclosing on my home. The chemical plant I worked nights at was about to lay off half the workforce, and I was sitting in the hospital, holding the hand of my pregnant wife, wishing to God that she wasn't dead.
 * Hugo Strange: That must have been upsetting for you.
 * Joker: Probably was. Back then, though, all I knew was that if I didn't let old man Falcone's men into the plant that night, they'd a killed me too. So here's the thing. I had to decide: Could I live without her? Was there any point going on? I've got to admit it, I was scared. Not of being dead, you understand.
 * Hugo Strange: No one would blame you if you were. It is perfectly common.
 * Joker: Do I look common? No, I was scared of the part just before you die. When you don't know what is about to happen.  When you are desperately clutching at life and trying to hold on with slippery, blood-covered hands. So I made a decision right there.
 * Hugo Strange: And what was that?
 * Joker: That, well, that is a story for another day, Strange. I think I may need to see a doctor. Get me one.

Tape 3

 * Hugo Strange: You were telling me about the night your wife died.
 * Joker: No, Hugo. As I recall, I was waiting for you to send me another doctor.
 * Hugo Strange: We both know I have sent you three more doctors.
 * Joker: Did you?
 * Hugo Strange: Yes. One was left dismembered outside the elevator to my office. The other two have not been seen since they were sent to you.
 * Joker: How careless. Listen, doc -
 * Hugo Strange: Professor.
 * Joker: OK, Pro-fess-or, I'll give you a little more. I hope you're taking notes. It's the day after and I'm standing in the freezing rain, just staring at the chemical plant; feeling numb. Jeannie was dead. It didn't seem real. I could remember the day I first met her. Her infectious smile as I told her bad joke after bad joke. How, even after living with the pathetic wretch I was, she still wanted my child. And then they arrived. Reality's way of yanking me another wedgie. Falcone's man told me to cheer up. He said, "Things could be worse". I asked him how? He grabbed me by the collar, pulled me close - he'd been eating garlic and each word stank as he threatened to perform oral surgery on me with a nail and a brick. Creative guy. They hand me a box. I remember thinking it was heavy. Was it a bomb? A gun? I'd never used a gun before, were they that heavy?
 * Hugo Strange: And what was in the box?
 * Joker: How's that doctor coming along?
 * Hugo Strange: I'll get you one.
 * Joker: And when you do, I'll tell you the rest.

Tape 4

 * Hugo Strange: You are looking a little better, yes?
 * Joker: I have good and bad days, but I do try to start each one with a smile.
 * Hugo Strange: Are you ready to continue your story?
 * Joker: Why not. So where was I?
 * Hugo Strange: The box.
 * Joker: Ah, yes, the box. So there I was, tearing open this box, expecting the worst, and all it had in it was a crazy red dome and a cloak. I thought they were having a joke with me, but oh, no. They made me put it on. They said it was a disguise, it would keep me safe. It smelt like garlic. And that was it really. I was dressed up like a spaceman, barely able to see, trying to break into the one place in this town that had given me a job. Have you ever tried to walk with an enormous fish bowl on your head? Don't answer that. It's hard. I couldn't see where I was going. I must have tripped one of the alarms. I heard muffled gunfire. I panicked and tried to run. And then I saw him.
 * Hugo Strange: Who?
 * Joker: Batman.
 * Hugo Strange: Really?
 * Joker: Yes, really. Batman tried to hit me, I moved out the way but, well, what you need to understand is, I had this giant bowl on my head, and I lost my balance. It's like life really. One minute everything's bad, the next, your wife's dead and you're hanging on for dear life, suspended over a tank of experimental chemicals. I'm sure he'd say he tried to save me, but we all know he didn't. I fell. For a second, just as I hit the surface, I thought I may just get away with this.
 * Hugo Strange: I assume that wasn't the case.
 * Joker: Do I look like I got away with it?

Tape 5

 * Joker: I was drowning. The chemicals were burning my skin. My entire body felt like it was on fire and it was all his fault.
 * Hugo Strange: Who's fault? Batman's?
 * Joker: Who else?
 * Hugo Strange: Yours.
 * Joker: Come again?
 * Hugo Strange: Let me tell you what I believe. I believe that you have fabricated a series of events that you use to conceal the truth about your condition. I have read 12 different accounts of your past. All different, except for one detail: Batman.
 * Joker: What can I say? I like to keep things interesting. A wise man once told me that if you have to have an origin story, you're better off making it multiple choice.
 * Hugo Strange: And never facing up to the truth of what happened. What you did. How you got here.
 * Joker: Oh, I know exactly how I got here. A big truck brought me here from Arkham. You remember the asylum, don't you?
 * Hugo Strange: Of course.
 * Joker: Good, because I'd hate to think that I'd fabricated seeing you watching me in my cell all those times.
 * Hugo Strange: Excuse me?
 * Joker: Hugo, you merry maniac. You were obsessed with me. You all were. Trying to get in here. Next thing, you'll tell me it wasn't you who sent old Sharpie over the edge. Nice work by the way.
 * Hugo Strange: Thank you.
 * Joker: So here's the thing. If you want to make sure that no one else finds out about your past, you should stop poking your nose into mine. Oh, and send me another Doc, doc. I think I need a second opinion.